Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Raw: We are who we are

Dan and I were sitting here tonight reminiscing about our past. We were sharing a few laughs and a few tears when a song came on the radio by Mr. Timberlake. It was eerie and gave us the goosebumps as it had everything to do with the subject we were talking about. It was as if he knew.     That sparked this post. I'm sorry if it's crazy. I'm sorry if it's not a story. But it's real and honest and something we both thought we should share.

~Love Dan and Night xx


Dan and I have been best friends ever since the seventh grade. No, there wasn't some dramatic scenario that thrust us into a friendship. There was no bully that I saved him from, linking us for life in some historic event in his journey to gaydom. He was friends with my twin brother first, right after we moved to Michigan from the south. The three of us were really tight, bonding over our obsession with Justin Timberlake and riding our bikes downtown to get slushees and read comic books. It was simple.

Eventually, we grew up, as all people must, and my brother started to shine his lifestyle light a little brighter than Dan was ready for. My brother went through his 'fabulous' period starting junior year of high school. At least that's what our classmates called it. I think he was just sick and tired of being someone he wasn't, previously trying to take the spotlight off himself. But his boiling point came and he went all out. We're talking the iced highlights, contacts, tanning, tight pink shirts and jeans that girls were envious that he could fit into. Besides Dan, he was one of only four people who were out in our high school of a little over two thousand. For a small town, our school was pretty big. Gotta love school of choice.

Anyway, as my brother started hanging with an older crowd, kids from the nearby university, Dan and I were left on our own. I'll be the first to admit we weren't exactly popular. Sure we had friends, a close knit circle that we trusted and people that we labeled 'friends' in different groups, but for the most part there were only six of us on a regular basis. It wasn't a large enough army against our peers.

Until graduation, I saw first hand the amount of torture Dan and my brother went through. My brother? He was above it all at the time. School was just a place he had to be to appease my parents. He didn't care about the name calling, the teasing in the locker room, or the 'accidental' shoves in the hallway. He didn't care about the labels placed on him that would emasculate the pants off of any other man. Like I said, he was in another state of mind, above it all and patiently waiting for the freedom that graduation would bring. He was going to a school far away. He wanted out. He saw the way, and he took it.

Dan was a different story, a far cry from the security that my brother had. He did everything he could to keep the others from mocking him. He worked out. He was strong and tall, not what most would define as, whatever let's go there, a twink. He got straight A's. He did sports even though most of the guys didn't want him there, but he did it. For a sense of normalcy or just to prove to himself that he could? Both.

Unlike my brother, even though he loved my parents fiercely, Dan was always a mama's boy. I don't mean to say he would let his mother coddle him, do his laundry, and live their until he was thirty-five. No. I mean he had such a deeply rooted relationship with his family that he couldn't bear to be so far away from them. He even admits that I played a strong role in his decision to stay around home for school too. Flattered. *laughs* What can I say? We stuck together through it all and found that we needed each other to move onto the next step, college.

When I got to school, an hour away from home, I wasn't surprised by the diversity like Dan was. My childhood was spent in a metropolis compared to the small town that we had graduated from. Cultures from all around the world, different races, ages, the drugs, the parties, dorm life--all of it came as one big shock to my gay counterpart. We were in a co-ed dorm. Neither of us liked our roommates. Mine was, if I'm being honest, an alcoholic whore who happened to be a legacy at one of the sororities. And Dan's roommate barely left his bed other than to smoke weed. How this guy made it past the first year was beyond either of us.

That first year was truly a memorable experience. A few kids from high school going to the same university, that we had never really hung out with, reached out to us, and we became pretty close. Throw in a band of wild hipsters and our group was pretty crazy. When we weren't drinking, smoking, and trying to cram for school, I worked at a salon as a hair stylist. Thankfully having completed my program the summer before school started. It was new. It was terrifying, but it was awesome.

Enter the gay scene. Our first year of school was only about the basic requirements. Our sophomore year delved right into our majors, identifying us with a certain crowd. As an engineering student, Dan's school crew was made up of straight guys that he did nothing more than get lunch with. Mine was another world entirely. I was a design major. Fashion and textile studies. Now that was a crazy bunch. A lot of people make the stereotype that gay men are magnetized to fashion. Their assessment would be correct.

Out of the group of fifty or so that were in my class, at least forty percent were loud, out, and proud. The girls flocked over them. They flocked over each other. Their was drama. Someone slept with someone else and the whole class would be in chaos. If ever someone wanted to make a good reality show, they would only have to film our class. It was nuts.

I started hanging out with a few of the boys. It started as work for school--sewing together, sketching, the usual. But then the topic of home came up and I told them about me and my roommate having moved here together. Their shocked faces were priceless. A gay man on campus that they didn't know about? Spill, they coaxed. And so it began.

I mentioned before that Dan isn't the kind of person to put it all out there. He's fabulous behind the scenes, but in public he's pretty low key. He always jokes that you wouldn't know to look at him. Because people get it in their head that something effeminate on a man automatically makes them gay. The first night that I introduced him to the boys at a house party, they were under the same impression. Disbelieving that he could possibly be gay, they referred to him as 'straight bait' all night. This did not go over well.

Dan believed that he was doing something wrong. That he wasn't wearing the right thing or didn't know enough about pop culture and the latest fashion trends to attract a guy. I made it very clear to him that his insecurities weren't in the right place. The real problem at hand was did he want any of these guys at all? They were a bunch of lushes. They were nice enough, but too superficial and crude. Sex? Okay. But did he want to start off on that foot? In the community he had dipped his toe into, labels were everything.

It's sad, but it's the truth. One night of experimentation in a new group of gay men could lead to catastrophe. I told him he shouldn't have to change himself to fit in. This wasn't high school and these weren't the only gays in the village, so to speak. Dan was and always will be a romantic. This wasn't his scene for leads to his first relationship with another man, but they were fun to hang out with. They all wanted to test his waters, though. When he got uncomfortable with it all, we decided to leave. I will never forget the first time they raised a brow at him and said, "fine, go be with your fag hag." Giggling down another shot.

This was the first of many times that someone put the idea into Dan's head that he would never get a boyfriend if I was around. Did this hurt me? Yes, it did. But I wasn't about to defend my relationship with Dan just to appease a bunch of pre-queens. We knew we were like siblings, and that our relationship was ours to access, not theirs. Dan was still insecure, searching for that boy that made his heart flip. Unfortunately, love doesn't come in a pretty package for everyone. But it still didn't hurt to have standards. Not everyone does. It's sad.

I started dating this guy the end of my sophomore year. For the sake of privacy, we're going to call him Frank. Frank was the epitome of college boy heart throb. He had that rough look to him. He was quiet around others, always making you think that he had something smart to say, but he kept to himself to appear mysterious. Or least that was my opinion. He was really smart. He was a people watcher like myself and could read you like a book with a single glance. It was part of his job, though. Which was my favorite thing about him. Music.

As a DJ for several clubs around the area, he was in with the music scene. From small garage bands to bigger artists around the country, Frank had connections. Every time one of my favorite artists came around, he had tickets ready. Our love for music was unnatural to most people. Most nights we would just curl up in bed, smoke a little, and turn up the stereo or mix something on his little deck that he kept near the bed. His rhythm was astounding, in more areas than just music. ;)

Frank was the Saturday night DJ for the only legit gay bar in the area. He had no problem being the only straight boy in a packed house and laughed off the invitations and flirty comebacks with ease. His open attitude towards love and sexuality sparked a friendship between him and Dan. I can assure you it was completely platonic. lol. I had cut back my hours at the salon because Frank had put the seed in my mind that I would make an excellent bartender. I knew everyone there. I was loud and could take the pressure and I was the only girl he had ever met that liked vodka on ice without all the frills. I was perfect for the job and the owner agreed. Enter my job as the bartender.

After completing a ridiculous course in 'mixology', I got pretty good behind the bar. I was a chatter box and the crowd took me in with open arms. Sometimes it got a little too fabulous for my tastes, but at the end of the night, I made them smile and that was all that mattered. Besides declining multiple hook up invitations, cleaning up dust from the bathroom counters, and semen off the walls at the end of the night, it was a fun job.

But while I was stepping into a new routine with Frank, my job, and my major, Dan was heading down a different path. Slowly, he sunk into this depression that led to hanging out with the prima-donnas of the gay community. Young, tan, liked to wear neon to attract the hungry bears. They threw wild parties with themes like black light, bring your whore, Greek, and numerous other categories that are not worth listing. A lot of my fashion friends were in the same group and I knew they pulled Dan into the fold to try to revive his inner twink. They told me as much. They were pretty blunt about it actually.

There were nights when he would text me to come get him and I would end up staying, sucked in by people I hadn't seen for a while or his excuse of 'just stay a little while longer'. Those nights would end where I woke up in Frank's bed having no idea how I got there and Dan passed out on his bathroom floor. It was getting to the point where I didn't recognize him anymore. I didn't recognize myself either--having let us both get this far without saying anything.

I didn't like it and I knew something had to change, but I could only fix my side of the equation. Dan was an adult and I chalked it up to him spreading his wings and having a little fun until the night that I couldn't take it anymore. I had a fight with Frank after a startling event and his true colors exploded before my eyes like a drug-induced rave. The other bartender, we'll call her Sarah, had stated her feelings for me after closing. It came out of left field for me. We had been comrades in the liquor war behind the bar for over a year--joking around, occasionally hanging out, and chatting about our lives. She'd never before made a pass at me. She'd never given me a look to represent any feelings other than friendship.

I wasn't blind, okay. I knew she was a lesbian, and not once did that bother me. She was a cool chick that liked to party, and I won't deny that she was gorgeous to boot. I had just never felt that vibe from her before and I had never openly given her reason to think I was interested. I gently explained to her that while I thought she was an amazing person, I didn't see her that way. Though, I was flattered, I just couldn't. It wasn't fair to try to make her feel better with a hug or offer her sweet nothings that were meaningless. She wanted more and I know from an unrequited experience that for that person to keep going only makes it worse.

Heartbroken, Sarah got up and left, a complete sobbing mess that I couldn't make feel any better. I lost a good friend that night. I also lost my boyfriend over it. Sarah and Frank were best friends. She was the one that got him the gig at the bar before he made his career into something bigger. She was the one that had pushed the owner to hire me. I was in between a rock and a hard place. While I could understand his unease with the situation, I wasn't prepared for what came next.

He was actually upset that I didn't, and I quote, "give her a try". How did I not know until I had experienced her first hand? He'd heard about an encounter or two I'd had the year before and knew I wasn't as lacking in the subject as I claimed to be. Yes. Okay. I'd tried it a few times, but it wasn't because they were girls. It was because I was genuinely attracted to their personality. It sounds so cliche, but it's the truth. If you have that way about you, it pulls me in--a smile that I can't resist because you're genuinely happy, something that makes me laugh and keeps me thinking about it for hours. That's sexy to me. There was something there, in the moment or whatever you want to call it, those nights happened. But it wasn't enough to make me switch sides for the sake of technicality. Sorry ladies, I like dick way too much.

When I couldn't deny his claims, he rolled his eyes at me, and told me that I had probably scarred her for life. I was the first person that she had ever told she loved and I'd shut her down without a care. It wasn't even like that. Not by a long shot, but Frank was so messed up about it that it was obvious he had feelings for her. After many years of thinking about it, I feel like I was the connection between them for that period in their life. She loved him, but didn't want him like that. He wanted her, but couldn't have her because she loved me, or women in general. So he loved me too. Bizarre and entirely out there, but it makes sense. I was their balance and by denying Sarah, I broke them up somehow.

Even though he took up for her and most woman would be like 'what the fuck', I was heartbroken. Out of all the guys I have dated up until now, Frank was perfect for me in every which way. He got me and I loved him, I think. Whatever I felt for him, it was strong because when he walked out of that bar and left me there, I went out to my car and cried so hard I had to call a cab. I couldn't drive. I couldn't think. I could barely breathe. On my way home, I called Dan. I needed someone to sit with. He was best friend. It all made sense.

But when he picked up, it was so loud on the other end that he couldn't hear me. He hung up and didn't even answer his texts. So, even more distraught, I went home and thankfully my roommate was home. We weren't all that close, but the mother comes out of everyone when someone gets dumped. In my case, it was worse than being dumped. I didn't even know what to call the event it was so bad. Wrapped in blankets, we watched mind numbing television as she let me cry myself to sleep on her shoulder. To this day, I still talk to my old roommate Marcy. (Hey girl!)

I didn't hear from Dan for an entire week after that night. I knew it was finals week. I knew that he worked. I knew a lot of things, but I had no idea why he wouldn't talk to me. The one time I needed him and not the other way around, he wasn't there. Enter his new posse. I finished my exams early and tried to text him. I was about to make a trip to his apartment when I ran into a mutual friend of ours. He was acting strange, clipped words, hawk eye thing going on. When I asked him what was up his ass, he informed me that I needed to stop relying on Dan and to let him live his life.

Jaw dropped somewhere on the floor, I told him to fuck off, and that he didn't know green from red when it came to my personal relationship with Dan. Again, I was called a fag hag and left there on the sidewalk fuming mad. Never in my life will I love Dan more than a friend. Never in my life will I be his glittery accessory to parade around the club. Never in my life will I tell him what to do, who to sleep with, or judge his choice of men. He is my friend, my very good friend, that if he was a girl, no one would say a damn thing about it. But Dan happened to be gay, so of course I didn't fit in the picture according to his friends.

Still upset over Frank, pissed about Dan, stressed over finals, and having quit the bar the day earlier, I went in search of my friend. This had to end. This wasn't him. If this was who he was choosing to be from now on, I wanted to hear it from his own mouth before I wrote him out of my life. I would not be known as some 'breeder chick' that followed around their, yes, 'gay husband'. Why would you want a gay husband if you weren't gay? How is that healthy or productive for anyone? It's not. It's stupid and it's derogatory to me. These boys were a bunch of confused, attention grabbing, sex fueled, ken dolls that had been let loose from their small towns to paint the town with their media induced ideals of how a gay man should be.

If that's your thing, go for it. But not all gay men are that way, and Dan for sure wasn't. So I went to his apartment, if nothing more than to see he was okay. He answered the door looking like a wreck, stepping outside and shutting the door behind him. The conversation went something like this:

"What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to tell you that Frank dumped me. Sarah told me she loved me in a romantic sense. And apparently I'm a cramping your style, but that's hearsay, or is it?"

"Frank dumped you?" He reached for me and I backed away.

"Is it true, Dan?"

"Not really."

"Not really?

"I have a guy over right now."

"Of course you do."

"So what? I can't have a guy over?"

"I want you to have a guy over, Dan. I have no problem with that at all. My problem is that you're using it as an excuse to avoid telling me how you feel. But I get it now. Just do me a favor and get yourself tested once in a while. If that's (name excluded) car, which I'm pretty sure it is, he had Chlamydia a while back. People tell you anything at the bar."

"Seriously?" He looked back at the door.


"Fuck. I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"You didn't pick up the phone." I shrugged.

We stood there for a few minutes before I had to go. I was leaving for the weekend. My older brother and my twin were coming home for my great grandmother's birthday. It was going to be a big deal. He ended our awkward reunion by giving me a hug and telling me I was still his best friend, that things weren't going to change between us. I was still on guard about it all. It was a hard  place to be. Wanting to talk about my problems and his, but there was this distance that had grown in the span of seven days that I didn't know how to close without feeding his new posse's gossip. I was, for lack of a better term, stuck.

That weekend was the hardest three days of my life. I had just talked to my twin a few days ago. He sounded good on the phone and was excited to see me. Even though he was on the west coast now, we still stayed in touch. I knew he left out a lot of things because he didn't want me to know he was unhappy there, but I had no idea how bad it was.

Walking into a house that is supposed to be full of happy homecomings and warm hugs from your family, only to find your mother on her knees sobbing in your father's arms is not something I would wish on anyone. She looked at me and turned away as my older brother ushered me outside.  I knew. I'd had the feeling all day that something was going to happen. He hadn't boarded his flight.  he hadn't called to say he was late or anything. One of his roommates had found him that morning. My brother had killed himself with an overdose of painkillers. It was intentional. There weren't any pills left in a prescription filled only two days prior. There was no note. There was nothing.

I went upstairs to his room and shut the door for the next three days. I had no explanation for why he would do this other than what his friends had relayed. I had no twin anymore. I couldn't fathom this. It wasn't real. He was the confident one. He was the happy one. It didn't make sense. I couldn't even move to call Dan. Again, I was stuck. My whole world had dropped out from under me in a matter of days.

I'm going to fast forward a little bit, because I can't handle writing about what the next week was like. If you've been there, you know, and if you don't, there's no sense in tearing your heart out. Dan was by my side in a matter of hours after my brother called him. My family thought it best if we had time to ourselves before we involved him and his family. Not like Dan's mom ever took no for an answer. She was right there to help my mother and to this day, I am forever grateful for having her in our lives. She is wonderful woman that I can't possibly put into words.

There were services, the funeral, and people that had wronged my brother in the past showing up to ask for forgiveness. It was emotional and hard and a lot of other things. His friends even made the trip from Cali to attend the service. They were the ones that suggested we catch a flight back to pack up his things however we wished. My mother couldn't do it. My father couldn't leave my mother. So Dan bought tickets for us both, and my older brother and his new wife bought their own. The four us made the trip to California to the house my brother had shared with three other guys.

After many phone calls, we discovered my brother had been seeing a therapist. There were journals  that the therapist suggested he use as an outlet. Three of them in his closet that I read over the next week. Yep. This is where the journals came from in Cade. I picked them apart until I couldn't read anymore. There really were pages that were tear stained. Differences in handwriting when you could tell he was suffering or angry. There were so many things that I wished I had known about my brother, things he should have told me. But even as a twin, he had always been so independent.

He had an outlook on life that had once been bright. After reading the journals, I saw the truth. It was all a cover-up for how small he felt, how ugly and unwanted. His colorful exterior was to hide the heartache on the inside. To make my parents think he was happy with his life as a gay man, to make them proud. They would have loved him regardless. We all would have. He just couldn't survive without us. California wasn't his home. My brother wasn't so different from Dan after all.

I think about him every day. I wonder what he would look like now. I wonder if he could have been happy if we had known and done something. I sometimes feel like it's my fault. That I should have known. But everyone says that's bullshit. But I still think it. His death changed everything for my family. For me. For Dan. We stopped partying with those people who brought us down. We started looking at everything in a different light. Could that person use a friend? Why are they sad? Is there something I could do for them?

I had always stood up for Dan and my brother. But there were a lot of people out there that deserved another person on their side too. People that are just trying to fit into life but are persecuted for loving who they love. People that enjoy sex just as much as straight people do. People that want to have children like straight people do. People that want to grow old with the one they love, have a house together, and just live, but are not allowed because the love of their life is the same sex as them.

My brother was no different. Dan is no different. Now that we're older and more secure in our lives, we look back on our history with a smile. We all make mistakes. We all have a phase where lust overpowers all. We all do stupid shit, but all of it is different to society when you're gay. I will never understand the other side's opinion on the matter. I will never judge someone on who they love, what their religion is, or the color of their skin. All I want is to help those around me find balance in their lives, to share the same ground that I walk on, and be equal. Is that really so hard? Yes. Because everyone is different.

Even some of my friends call me a 'fag hag' or a 'fruit fly' or whatever, but I'm not. They're my friends and my family. I'm not some hag. I am not an accessory. I am a person that has been through a lot of shit and come out seeing the brighter side. I give my gay friends support. I give them my love because everyone deserves that in my book. They are the reason that I write gay romance. They are the reason that I write happily ever afters. My brother is the reason I rarely ever write about homophobia. Because it tears me up inside to write it and I want to offer an escape to anyone who needs one. A place where the societal divide doesn't exist and love conquers all.

Some people may think this is all bullshit, and I'm just another female writer with a hard-on for two guys going at it. But that's the real bullshit. I write for a cause. I write for him and all the others out there who never got their happy ending. Call me a fag hag, but I call myself a writer. Dan laughs and calls me a warrior, and that's all I really care about. Love you all.


  1. I wish I had a friend like you really i do.Out of all the friends i had in high school even the ones i was literaly toddlers with or now i still havent found one that can be that honest.That doent CARE what others think.That will be what a friend is suppose to be Honest Loyal and their for you no matter what your sexual preference is who wont let other whisper in there ear.DAN your lucky and i know you know that.

  2. Night I have no words. Only feelings. There are tears in my eyes and a pain in my heart. God bless you, Warrior Woman!

    Dan....thank you for loving her.

    My heart reaches out to your mother. I can't fathom how deeply the loss of a child (even a grown one) would feel.

    Thank you for writing their stories.....

  3. Wow. I can't imagine what it must have been like to go through something like that. I'm very glad you and Dan had each other and that your family had so much support from close friends. *HUG* Cause you deserve one. All of this just makes your stories even better and I'm glad that it all ends happily because we all deserve happy endings, and an escape for a little while.
    You and Dan are both amazing people. Never forget that. :)

  4. "A place where the societal divide doesn't exist and love conquers all"

    That's why I read your stories. Even though they're sexy and hot, they're all driven by love. It would be nice to live in a world where you weren't judged on things out of your control. I'll never understand anyone treating another human differently based on their sexual orientation.

    Intolerant of Intolerance. Bizarre, but that's what I am. Think you might be too ;)

    Not only are you an amazing writer but you're an amazing person, Night. And Dan is too :) Remember when he took over for you, he's got an awesome sense of humour just like you!

  5. Love you right back : )
    And thank you for writing... All of it.

  6. Night, I know you once said you write for your brother but I never knew the full story. I am so sorry. My siblings and I are so close. We love each other and I need them in my life. If I lost anyone of them, I dont know how I would survive. Thank you for your writing. I always get in the arguement with people able why I always need a HEA, they say real life is not like that,not evryone gets a HEA. I reply EXACTLY, real life is not fair, if I wanted to read about sad endings, I would read the news. I read stories with HEA so I can escape life if only for a short time.These happy stories give me strength to go on in world that has happy moments,but a lot of sad and bad ones as well. Just wanted to say thanks for everything. :)

  7. Wow girl, you have survived some heavy shit. Now having read this entry and learned a bit about your personal life I can really see you working out your past struggles in your writing. You really pour your heart and soul into these stories and characters, and I can't help but think it is a little bit therapeutic for you.

    For the past year I have been struggling with ptsd as a result of me getting car jacked last year, and have been dealing with a deep depression. I'm literally almost a hermit now cuz I'm afraid to go anywhere by myself. Gah! But anyway, you are by far my favorite writer. I read your stories and I am able to escape my own mind for a while. Your characters are so real to me and your "snark" nakes me laugh my ass off. Cade is my favorite because he overcomes so many struggles in his life and in the end he makes it out ok and it gives me hope that I will make it out of this funk I am in too. So thanks a million for being such an amazing writer.

    To still be such a funny and creative girl after having to overcome what happened to your twin and dealing with the twit bigots we are saddled with in society, and any other sad situations... I am proud of you and applaud all your hard work and the love you have for your friends and your writing. I can't wait to read the new "Cade" by the way. I am blindly counting the days. Much love.

    Katie [wondrgirl05@gmail.com]

  8. Thank you. So so much. For giving us a glimpse into your life, for sharing the sorrows and joys you've been through, and for writing such amazing stories. I've always felt there was a deeper passion in your writing than a mere "romance" story, and now we know why. Thank you, and I wish you and your loved ones every happiness!

  9. Night,

    I have never written a comment on your page before but I feel I have to express how awesome you are. You are really making a difference and shining a light in places that you probably dont realise. A 26 year old Zulu girl all the way in Johannesburg, South Africa has learnt so much more about respecting people, our differences and especially our similarities from reading your stories. You're a blessing.


  10. I'm sorry you lost your brother. I can see hints of your experiences reflected in your stories. It confuses me why people can't just accept other people for what they are. I just don't understand the prejudices and hatred people can hold for others, especially those they don't know. I suspect your experiences will stay in my mind for a while.

  11. I lost my baby brother to suicide 4.5 years ago. It is the most awful, terrible, heart-wrenching experience. The pain is so great. I'm sorry for your loss.

  12. I won't lie. Reading this was hard, but I'm so glad you could share it. When I was growing up it seemed there were NO positive influences for gays to make us feel like we belonged. I stayed in the closet through high school and most of college in spite of the remarks and comments because I wouldn't give those assholes the satisfaction.

    I survived it, but it would have been easier knowing someone like you were there. Reading you work and others in this genre have always given me a greater sense of my placement in the world. It doesn't have to be as scary as it once was.

    If even one more person comes away with that, it's a good thing. You would make your brother proud.

    Don't ever stop.

  13. Dear Night and Dan,
    I am so very sorry for your loss. I wondered if this was the choice your brother had made, you had eluded to it in one of your earlier posts with Dan. You had also said in that post that you wanted to make a difference in the lives of other gay men to let them know that there was happy endings and it is safe to say that you have. You made a difference to me although I am the farthest thing from a gay male you can get as a straight mother of two. What I do have is the possibility of being the mother of a gay or lesbian child and I want to be able to help them as much as I can as they discover themselves in a, lets be blunt, a still ashamedly hostile world.
    I once had a conversation with a respected acquaintance who had no issue with someone who was gay but couldn't understand it, the physical action seemed violent to her. That sentiment bothered me for a long time so while on Lit one day I decided to see what the gay stories were like. Cade was the first m/m story and I can't even put into words the many doors it has opened to me and how I now see how those I thought were opened minded still have many closed doors. Your stories are powerful, passionate, sexy as hell and so full of love its as if the pages will burst from it. I have never understood prejudice of any kind and that's what I try to pass on to my children every day, I struggle with things sometimes because I just simply don't understand how things can be the way they are. We shouldn't have to vote for equality it should just simply be. Things like this baffle me.
    My mother has struggled most of her life with self esteem issues and what I call chronic depression. My grandfather was her rock and when he passed away at a young age it left a hole in her life I don't think she has ever been able to ease. My grandmother, lets just say had more in common with Mommy Dearest than a supportive parental role. My mom and I have always been close even when I challenged her at every step, you have to love adolescence. Right after my first child was born and the room had cleared out and she held my son for the first time she had the most beautiful smile on her face and asked him if “he had seen Grampi before he was born”. “ I bet he thought you were beautiful” she added, in my haze of after labor bliss I asked her what she was talking about. She believes that before our children are born in that magical place where their soul waits to join their little bodies they can meet the souls of our departed in a place that knows only love and happiness and the answers to all the questions we wondered about when we were alive. I have never shared this story with anyone as silly as it sounds and I don't know about you but I have learned not to ever question my mother, she seems to know way more about life than I will ever. My point of sharing is that I believe that like her when and if you and Dan ever choose to have children, obviously not together, your brother will be there to greet your children in this magical spot before they join you. To know and love them as he did the both of you. Let your love rule you and share it with the world and we will all benefit from it.

  14. I just finished my tears while writing this comment. It's really hard to not feel proud and grateful about what you'd shared here. Thamk you for reminding me once again that love doesn't know age, religion, race and gender.

    I truly hope that tons of people in my country read this and understand how we, the so called 'fag hag', see the beauty of difference.

    Do your best to spread the love, my lady. Yes, you can.

  15. Night, you are one of a kind, someone I wish I knew in real life and a true star. Hugs, hugs and more hugs from someone who tries to be a survivor and get through each day to someone who knows what it feels like. My mother committed suicide 20 years ago and I still miss her.
    I feel so sorry over the loss of your twin. Reading about his death hit me hard because of all I've been going through in the past four months since Emery's suicide. It's so devastating to learn things afterwards and think "If only I'd known..."- it can drive you crazy. The unique pressure these kids try to live with has to stop. It just has to stop. Everyone needs love and acceptance and to believe they matter to someone. Loneliness and isolation are like a cancer eating you from the inside. Add guilt into the mix, and it's deadly.
    I'm glad you have Dan in your life and he has you. That you can be there for each other even amid the criticism. Just be who you are and shine your lights brightly. Lots of love for you here.

  16. thank you for writing and sharing things alot of people wouldn't. thank you thank you.


  17. Damn I should not have read this at work. First off I'm so sorry about everything that's happened to you and your loss. Second you are an amazing person. I wish more people were as loving and accepting. Please never lose that. Your happy endings make me feel better about the world. That last sentence was slightly dramatic but that's where this post took me. Sorry coworkers...

  18. Night honestly I am crying as I write this, there is nothing I can saw to ease your pain, but all I can say is thank you for sharing this. You are without a doubt the most amazing person, so strong, and with a heart as big as anything. This is very real for me, as if I had succeeded a year ago, I would have died in exactly the same way, and your account has made me think of my sister and family, and the void that would have been left. You have the most beautiful heart, and I thank God for the gift of your writing, and your ability to share. You are truly an inspiration, and I can say that your twin, wherever he is will be able to look down on you, knowing that you have developed into the most wonderful person, who can touch people's lives no matter the distance. All my love, Evie

  19. Wow... I don't have words, I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said... These hard experiences make you see that love is maybe the most important thing in life. You and Dan are great people and you and your stories exude love... Thank you for sharing this with all of us.

  20. {HUGS} I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also very proud of you with the way you've handled yourself. As hard as it is, you've made a horrific thing in your life into something you use inside yourself to bring joy and understanding in others. Makes me love your work even more knowing the story behind the stories. You are a very strong person, Night, and I'm glad you and Dan have each other to rely on. I wish we were friends out in the real world!

  21. It took me almost three days to read all of this because I kept becoming overwhelmed. But I am so happy that I made it to the end. I think I will have to keep this somewhere I can look back on it and remember that there are amazing people in the world. Words are not enough, so I will just say that reading this really made a difference, and thank you so so so very much for sharing.

  22. This brought me to tears Night. I can't say I know how you feel but I know what its like. You're an amazing writer and nothing anyone says can take that away from you. I love you for your courage Night and I know that everyone else that reads your posts or knows anything about you will say he same thing. Everyone that reads your blog loves you and would do anything for you. You deserve the most happiness you can possibly get from life :)

    -xx Sammy

  23. This brought me to tears Night. I can't say I know how you feel but I know what its like. You're an amazing writer and nothing anyone says can take that away from you. I love you for your courage Night and I know that everyone else that reads your posts or knows anything about you will say he same thing. Everyone that reads your blog loves you and would do anything for you. You deserve the most happiness you can possibly get from life :)

    -xx Sammy

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  25. Simply the thought of losing my twin is enough to turn me into a sobbing mess. Reading how you lost your twin is breaking my heart. Thank you for sharing your story and for continuing to be a source of hope and happily ever after!