Last Night With Dan

Hello,


This is Dan. As I am now the ruler of the blog, with Sister Night's permission of course, I have decided to have a bit of fun before I must hand back the crown. As you well know from yesterday's post, Night has been dealing with some medical issues. Thus the use of pain killers have come into play. STRONG painkillers. 


This is a small walk-through of last's nights hilarity. I found a recorder app on my phone and we had fun. Side note: I told her I was posting, but not what I was posting. :P She will probably kill me. Please be advised: Revenge post probably on the way.


I did not have the pleasure of witnessing this, as I was getting the car, but her younger brother was crying from laughing so hard that it must have been quite the show. Night was put in a wheelchair and her boyfriend with the help of her brothers were taking her downstairs to the car with a nurse. Yes, glittery pink loopy straw nurse. (I'll admit he was striking) Apparently when they reached the first floor, a group of scrubs (another nickname Night gave the staff) were blocking the way for a second. 


Night reached out and tapped one of the men on the leg. Before her boyfriend could stop her, she grabbed the guy's hand and says, "I enjoy looking at you from the this level, but we're trying to drive here. We have somewhere to be."


The doctor ( who was very cool with all this): "I am very sorry for holding you up. Please, forgive me."


Night: "It's okay. You have soft hands."


That's when her brothers lost it and the doctors started laughing. Night made sure to wave at everyone on her way out of the hospital. "I feel like I'm in a parade," she says. 


At this point we're all having a hard time from crying or gasping for air outside. The look on her face is the best part. She is gone somewhere else in her own world. Much like that of an elderly queen that is on her last leg with a serene smile on her face and a cocktail in hand. All that's missing is a small dog and a strand of pearls.


We load her into the truck. Her brothers are following and boyfriend is driving. Her mom calls and wants to talk to her. I put it on speaker because she had momentarily lost all ability to move. My body is made of jelly, she says. So funny.


Night: "What?"


Mom: "What? Is that how you talk to your mother?" Mom laughs.


Night: "Who is this?"


Mom: "Your mother."


Night:  "Oh. What do you want?"


Mom: Laughs some more. "Are you on your way to the house yet?"


Night: "What house? Where the fuck am I going? (Boyfriend) where are we going?"


Boyfriend: "To your house."


Night: "Stop the car!" She slaps her hands on the dash. Boyfriend thinks we are going to die in a car accident. "Starbucks." She whispers in awe and points.


Mom: Hysterically laughing her ass off. "Get the girl some coffee before she turns into a gremlin. I'll see you guys at the house."


Night: "Who was that?"


Us: "Nobody."


After a stop at Starbucks where she kept groaning at the barista. "Stop opening the window. You're such a jerk. Teasing me like that. I smell that coffee!" We headed home. Boyfriend took the long way around because Night insisted that we drive by the house that has the little ponies. Yes, there is a house that has a tiny yard full of 'real' ponies. It was not in her head.


Ponies caused Night to become higher than she already was. We drive past a few miles of field which contain CORN. She says in a low voice. "Damn, that's a lot of marijauna."


Boyfriend loses it and almost has to pull over. We're all very tired and Night is somehow making us feel as high as she is.


We get home, we help Night out of the truck. Her dog runs out to greet her. That little shit is spoiled rotten and has not been very nice to anyone while his mommy was away. 


Night starts singing That's Amore (one line over and over). Amore is the dog's name. Eyes are rolling everywhere.


After her first wind dies down, she sleeps for an hour before she has to take a pill. Round two.


Propped up in bed with the dog and her DVR remote, I find her replaying a commercial over and over. The one where the guy is buying a car and he has this little version of himself over his shoulder singing. If you don't know what I'm referring too, I'm sorry. She had tears messing her face she was laughing so hard. 


"I just, I just can't!" She laughs. She tries to speak a few times, but that's about all I get.


This is the last thing I'll share from last night before I have to go. 


Sometime during the men's gymnastics, I hear this loud cursing coming from upstairs. I thought she was asleep, but her hot men in spandex radar must have gone off and she woke up. Sure enough when I get upstairs, she is trying to throw pillows at the television. Her boyfriend comes into the room.


"Are you okay?" He freaks.


Night: "No! I'm not."


Japan's head coach flashes across the screen and another pillow flies through the air.


Boyfriend: "Baby, chill!"


Night: "No. That Chinese dill hole just took a medal from that poor little boy. Whore!" She shouts at the tv.


We spent the next ten minutes listening to her go off about the Chinese head coach. She then cried, for real cried, and fell asleep on Boyfriend sobbing about 'that poor little black boy from the Bronx and his hot friends.'


She is going to kill me. (:


Love,


Dan